Newsflash: Adverb shortage causes chaos
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An overuse of unnecessary words has lead to a national shortage of adverbs according to reports from the Oxford University Press, publishers of the Oxford English Dictionary. The effects on conversations across the country have been devastating; creating a string of sentences that are both punchy and to the point.
It is believed that the largest waste of adverbs has occurred in the Midlands area, but reports of widespread abuse continue to flood in. Experts on grammar and the English language are looking into the matter and hoping to find the source of the problem and prevent any further waste. It is feared that if the issue is allowed to continue, we will soon run out of adverbs and there is concern that reflexive verbs and pronouns may follow suit.
Asked why a shortage of adverbs is such a problem, Professor Robert Wordsmith, a lexicographer from Oxford, replied, "without adverbs, conversations are shorter. Inept conversationalists and compulsive phone users in particular are struggling to pad out their calls with extra words that add nothing to their conversation. Across the country, thousands of people are getting straight to the point and running out of things to say. It is setting an unhealthy precedent of increased productivity in the workplace that some fear is unsustainable should supplies of adverbs return to normal levels.
"And it's the first time in history we've had to remove words from the dictionary because we've run out of them. A sustained period of excessive adverb use has led us to a point where there is not enough to go around."
So far, adverbs retrieved from the dictionaries and out of print publications that nobody will miss have been redistributed to where they're most needed; places such as legal documents, government manifestos and Hugh Grant films. It is hoped that through careful conservation, enough adverbs can be rounded up using weekly celebrity gossip magazines, rehabilitated and released back into more sensible conversations. Until then, people will have to get used to using structured sentences and making sense.
"It's awful," comments Mandy, 24, a secretary from Rotherham. "No matter what try, I just seem to get to the point without dithering. I don't have time to think about shoes and last night's TV while having a chat and the shorter conversations mean I have to spend more time getting on with my work."
However, it is not all doom and gloom. Hasbro, manufacturers of the popular board game Scrabble, have reported an increase in profits in the last quarter. A spokesperson on behalf of the firm attributed it to the adverb shortage, reporting that, "we no longer need to provide as many of the letters 'L' and 'Y' and, as such, can save on production costs". The spokesman did point out that there had been an increased demand for the letters 'E', 'R' and 'M', but that, as yet, this had not proved problematic.
This is a satirical piece on behalf of the fictional Adverb Protection League (APL) and is not intended to be taken seriously. See? I used an adverb.